Category Archives: Skid Mark

It’s Official…

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I am a glorified cat lady.

My tree died last Christmas. I lost the stand and a few crucial branches so I thought I would be cheap until after Christmas. I found a pre-lit tree for $39 bucks. I was stoked. I mean until after Christmas it would be great, right? Not so much. It was sad from the start. I thought maybe I could spruce it up a bit but my decorations were still packed away in boxes so it was left to its own for a day or week. I did not realize that my cat thought I had given him the best Christmas present ever.

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I’m pretty sure we could give the Charlie Brown tree a run for its money. My cats ass actually bent the branches down and the branches …they said screw it and won’t even stretch back in to fill any gaps.
I’m thinking this cat lady thing isn’t working so well for me.
On a side not I was able to find another use for the tree box.

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Cat Traps..

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I am one of those special people who enjoy funny pictures of cats (Yes, I am training to be a crazy cat lady one day). I seen a picture a couple of weeks ago and I giggled all day long. There were three boxes in someones front yard and every SINGLE one of the boxes had a cat in it (I’m such a loser I am laughing right now thinking about it). The picture was simply titled, “Cat Traps”. So, I decided to see if Skid Mark would be snowed by one of these so-called, “Cat Traps” and I give you….

Skidmark in a box.

Who knew? It works. Lay a box down and BAM instant kitty in a box and if you don’t have a box then you can also try….

an open suitcase.  Just as good as a box.

And as a bonus you can fill anything with water on a warm day and….

Instant Puppies

Happy Vday!

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And I don’t mean venereal day!

My husband and I were talking about this the other day. How did it go from flowers to electronics and such? So, I didn’t even really prepare at all this year. I got him a card and I’m totally letting him watch his shows and I haven’t rolled my eyes once. And if he plays his cards right there might be a little something extra later. I doubt it but you never know. I am feeling lovey dovey today.  🙂 And this evening he is going to cook me some wild hog. Yes, that is correct. I have never tried it and he’s never cooked it so this could be interesting. Don’t worry I have wine. 🙂

I also had a very smart idea this morning. I woke my children today with huge Hershey kisses. Why is that smart? Well, I bribed my spazzo child with it and he got ready for school without one complaint. He was so excited about his massive Hershey kiss and school party that he didn’t complain about getting out of bed, putting his clothes on, or when I sprayed him with stinky stuff (Axe body spray so he would smell nice for the ladies). I know that doesn’t seem like a big deal to you but with the oldest one I could whisper his name from my room and he would be up and ready for school in 10 minutes. The spazzo takes like 40 minutes to put a shoe on (notice A shoe not TWO). I was very excited when he just jumped up and got ready without making me a spazzo also. 🙂

I also have a Valentine and it’s not even my husband. I let Spazzo have his first friend stay the night a couple of weeks ago and his little friend told his teacher that I am his Valentine. 🙂 I should have got him a huge Hershey Kiss. Man, I’m an awful Valentine. It’s cute now but when the kids are older it will be awkward having all their friends wanting to be my Valentine mwhahahaha. I kid I kid.

Everyone should have something special so I even let our dog Trixie have one of the boys army men. She isn’t enjoying it as much as usual because I gave it to her and every time she starts chewing she looks at me wondering if it’s okay. I am even going to play fetch with my cat later. Of course that is more entertaining to me than him but he loves the attention.

So, Happy Valentine’s everyone!! I hope your day goes lovely and if you don’t get flowers I hope that you find some money on the ground, get to watch your DVR’d shows, someone gives you an army man to chew on, or plays fetch with you.

Funny Valentine's Day Ecard: This Valentine's Day, expect the finest flowers still available on Valentine's Day.

How to know when you’ve been smeared…

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When you say it though you have to say it more like “Schmear”. It makes it more authentic. I will give you an early warning this blog is going to say vagina. See, vagina, vagina, vagina (thank you Varsity Blues and that’s pretty much the last time I say it but it just feels so rebellious). The schools should say it more also but that is a subject for another day.

My dog Trixie (my mom has started calling her Trashy) has a habit of laying the back of her body flat in turn schmearing everything with her va jay jay (thank you Oprah Winfrey). She crawls off the couch like this, the bed, around the carpet, it does not matter. The dog has no shame. So, a few days ago I’m minding my own business cleaning and doing my rat killing (thank you cliché) and Skidmark (the cat read about Skidmark HERE) is being a nuisance. He is attacking the walls, the carpet, my feet, you name it and he is on it. He starts attacking Trashy and she usually just ignores him and goes on about her schmearing. Not this day though, no, she was exhausted from a play date at Nanna’s house and she was tired of Skidmark’s tactics. She was putting an end to it. Skidmark is underneath her giving it all he’s got (oh, you know what is coming) and Trashy lays those back legs flat and schmears right over the cats face (I swear she smiled when she did it). His face was smashed to the carpet with a terrified, “What the hell” is going on look. And I was just lucky enough to see that magical moment when Skidmark finally got his.

Trashy schmearing the carpet and Skidmark exhausted after being schmeared.

A blog about murder…

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Moving blows. There is no other way to explain it. Oh I can think of some words but for your sake I’m keeping it g rated.
You think the cleaning, un-packing, and getting all the lines and such sorted would be the horrors of it all BUT it isn’t. Ohhhhh noooo….

1. How about the scorpions? We have never had these before. My son got one on his hand and threw it down (duh reflex) and the little bastard (the scorpion not my son ha) got his leg. He got stung twice in a matter of seconds. Luckily, it wasn’t the crazy one (the little kid) and he cried about 5 minutes and was mad his dad was making him sit down with ice packs. Husband found a nest and doing things the red neck way (the only way we know) he poured gas and lit that nest on fire. Watching him over turn the rock trying to find the nest did give me a chuckle. I wasn’t about to do it so I’m glad he braved it out. We should have hung the little charred bodies around to warn other scorpions (if you aren’t from the South you probably won’t understand where I’m going with that).

2. So, while he is putting the wrath down on the nasty creatures what does he see? A spider. Not just any spider though no we wouldn’t be THAT lucky. It’s a Black Widow with babies. Lit her on fire too. Teach her to eat her mate.

3. Our grass was pretty high so he took it as an oppurtunity to take his shirt off (don’t worry we have no neighbors. I was glad he kept his pants on) and jumped on the mower (you just had a visual didn’t you). I hear him say my name and I walk to the door and he is holding a baby copperhead (its our fault for not keeping the grass down before we moved). I screamed of course but my husband that weird guy that was born without the fear bone he just shrugs.

4. Last night was my first night staying here while he was at work. I was freaked out anyways. Do you know how dark it gets when its dark? Well, anyways coyotes are in our yard yapping away and then what do I hear? Donkeys. Everyone has them but us and now I know why. They run coyotes off so you don’t have them outside your window keeping you up all night. I’m getting one of those. Trixie our pit and Skidmark were doing nothing but snoring snuggled up against me. Not even a bark or meow. They could have pretended to care.

5. I’m pretty sure I seen the biggest snake of my life down the road (thank goodness it was down the road) and I am pretty sure it was a rattle snake. If I were my husband I would have jumped out and showed my wife (nothing to make a day more fun than scaring her to death) but I’m not so I sat in my car and we stared one another down about 5 minutes before I slammed the gas and missed him completely.

It has been very interesting living at the foot of a mountain. All that I named above we had at our other place but we lived next door to my parents (what?) So people were always there and it was on very rare occurences well except the coyotes. We really do have an incredible place. I guess I’m just taking some time to adjust. As much as you can to the little creatures.

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